So many rainbows

 I start seriously blogging like how I think I am everytime I look at Livejournal, only to sign out because I realize I have nothing meaningful to contribute.  

My mother is watching the English dub of Bleach, and that in itself is making me die a little inside.  MOTHER STOP MAKING THIS AWKWARD AND CHANGE IT.

I'll be back again.

Just letting you know that I've been alive.  Sort of. 

Came back on Christmas.  Happy holidays everyone.

:)  You make me smile.

 It's all I can do to keep from screaming, "Leave me alone and don't touch me."

Don't touch me world, I don't want to know the nature of a shattered soul.

I've done my part and wished on a star.

If nothing comes from it, I know we can't go back to what it was. 

 I'm doing NaNoWriMo (or attempting to) again this year.  Anyone else jumping on this boat?

ever get the feeling that life is just passing you by, and all you have to show for it is your acknowledgement to time?

That's me, and it makes me sick.

ioiwar is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in. 

I HATE BUGS I HATE BUGS DLASDF;ADF;DF HATE BUGS SO MUCH.

I am not the type that would like the outdoors.  Hell, the indoors is something I can barely stand.

Wildlife in general is against me.

So I figure that if I updated LJ ten days before I begin my journey to graduate school, it'll keep you guys in the loop.  I was going to write a detailed journal about it all, but I'm just not feeling it.  :P  Perhaps it'll all just come out if I don't even try.

Or maybe not.

For y'all who remember them Kimpachi Sensei shows:

Now done in Fantavision.

That is all.

Exam in ten minutes.

I've developed a liking for colors, clouds, skies, and rainbows.  I just like to look at pictures. 

 I've got into the MA program at UH, Joe's going to be going to George Mason for his degree (more than likely anyway) and Carrie's in the American Studies program here too.

Just have to graduate.  

I haven't been working as much.  I sleep a lot.  I just feel too tired to much anymore.

My sister is on my WoW account a lot now.  Got her mount.  Damn her.  *shakes fist*

I'd like to write again.  Sometime.

I have to share. 

http://www.shortpacked.com/d/20080303.html

I cannot be the only one who remembers this stuff.  I LOVED THIS GAME.  Because i'm a huge nerdbag, but whatever.  Those Troggles scared me.

Amherst sent me a letter today saying that my application for the M.A. has gone through to the department.

UH sent me a similar notice a few weeks ago.

I'm relieved.  And terrified.

I think I have to talk to Eric about our relationship.  There are a lot of things that aren't working out--like our schedules for example.  It's upsetting us again.  It's not that our relationship is bad right now, but not seeing each other sucks.

A lot.

 It's getting to the point where I sign onto UH Mail and find no less than fifteen emails about school, and I usually have to reply to at least ten of them.

Third week, and I'm already getting my ass handed to me by school.

19:30] Karen: hey, so you know how there's always a calm before the storm, when everything seems so sunny and happy that you feel like breaking into songs just randomly before you get smashed by the rain and lightning?

[19:31] Karen: and when the rain and lightning come, it just sucks so much more?

[19:31] Alec: yeah

 [19:31] Alec: yeah, i do

[19:31] Alec: what's up?

[19:31] Karen: that's how living with my grandmother is like.

[19:31] Alec: what's going on?

[19:31] Karen: she blew up at my  mother again for misunderstanding her

[19:31] Alec: jeez....

[19:32] Alec: what was the misunderstanding about?

[19:32] Karen: it's like living with a angsty teenager, except so much worse.

[19:32] Alec: yeah

[19:32] Karen: where my concert is going to be

[19:32] Alec: er.... ok

[19:32] Karen: which, by the way, I'VE ONLY TOLD HER FIVE TIMES BEFORE TODAY

[19:32] Alec: wow

[19:32] Karen: i've been telling her this since september

[19:32] Alec: yeah

[19:33] Karen: like, HAY, GRANDMA, SINCE THE LION KING IS AT BLAISDELL THIS YEAR, I'LL BE HAVING MY CONCERT IN PEARL CITY.

[19:33] Alec: yeah

[19:33] Karen: i've been telling her for bloody months now

[19:33] Karen: i keep repeating it

[19:33] Alec: we're using Bloody now?

[19:34] Karen: :P i have been swearing quite a bit recently, so i've been taking up international cuss replacements to curb that

[19:34] Alec: does she normally even go?

[19:34] Karen: yes

[19:34] Alec: bloody isn't a curse. it's the worlds best adj

[19:34] Karen: and it has always been at blaisdell.  always

[19:34] Alec: i've never seen her there. just your mom

[19:34] Karen: always on a monday

[19:34] Alec: i know that

[19:34] Alec: i've been for the last 2 years

[19:34] Karen: always at eight bm

[19:34] Alec: remember?

[19:34] Karen: pm*

[19:34] Karen: yes

[19:34] Karen: and i love you

[19:34] Alec: yeah

[19:34] Karen: :D

[19:34] Alec: me too

[19:34] Alec: :P

[19:34] Alec: >:D<

[19:35] Karen: ^^

[19:35] Karen: but seriously

[19:35] Karen: i've been repeating this stuff for ages

[19:35] Alec: yeah

[19:35] Karen: so she won't ask dumb questions like this at the dinner table

[19:35] Alec: you have to figure this out

[19:36] Alec: i mean, that's not cool. you can't do anything about that but realy... its not cool

[19:36] Karen: oh it's not

[19:36] Karen: so my mom and her had a practical screaming match during dinner

[19:36] Alec: :(

[19:36] Karen: and then she storms to her room

[19:36] Alec: what did you dad say?

[19:36] Karen: again, pulling at the angsty teenager bit.

[19:37] Alec: yeah

[19:37] Karen: what can he say?  he just listened for a bit, and then ate his dinner

[19:37] Alec: point taken

[19:37] Karen: yeah

[19:37] Karen: my mom actually came tearing back out of her room

[19:37] Karen: yanked the broom out from where we keep it

[19:37] Karen: then raced back to my grandmother's room

[19:38] Karen: screaming at my grandma to hit her, since she likes to bitch her out so much

[19:38] Alec: that seems like it would have been interesting to watch

[19:38] Karen: it was.

[19:38] Alec: and a bit scary

[19:38] Karen: yes.

[19:38] Karen: i jumped out my seat to stop possible violence

[19:38] Karen: and my mother snapped at me to get back to the dinner table

[19:38] Karen: and um, i didn't really argue.

[19:38] Alec: ....

[19:38] Alec: yeah

[19:39] Alec: wish i could be there for you right now

[19:42] Alec: did this happen tonight?

[19:42] Karen: yes.

[19:42] Karen: and that means a lot to me

[19:42] Karen: they're both still in my grandma's room

[19:43] Karen: next to mine

[19:43] Karen: their dinners are still untouched at the table

[19:43] Alec: i have a random, sex comment but i won't make it

[19:43] Alec: how long ago did it start?

[19:43] Karen: about an hour ago

[19:43] Karen: well, a little over an hour ago

[19:43] Alec: jeez...

[19:44] Alec: are they still fighting?

[19:44] Karen: well, they're not screaming

[19:44] Alec: ....

[19:44] Karen: grandma's raising her voice every now and then

[19:44] Karen: but not as loudly or as often as before

[19:44] Alec: that's a good sign

[19:44] Alec: probably

[19:45] Karen: yes.  maybe.

[19:45] Alec: yeah

[19:45] Alec: someone

[19:45] Alec: someone's winning, and someone's losing

[19:46] Karen: oddly enough, my grandma was screaming something like that earlier

[19:46] Karen: and my mom was like, wtf do you mean i've won?

[19:46] Karen: this as my grandma is refusing to eat her dinner

[19:46] Alec: oh dear

I really wanted to update about Saturday, so I'll just add it to here, I guess.  I went to judge at the Kamehameha Speech Tournament and it brought back a ton of high school memories I haven't thought of in years.  I watched those kids (and you know you're getting old when you call them kids and they are not in the least bit offended) and I could see everything I thought about speech and debate reflected in them.  In one kid, I saw how afraid he was to even talk in front of a room, and I knew everything he was thinking.  It was adorable.

When I was in my junior year in high school, my friends from Roosevelt (I was closer to them than I was to the MHS S n' D team) ran down to this patio-like area near the Kamehameha auditorium to watch the sun go down.  That year, Beth and  I sat there for about an hour and watched it go down, and waited until dusk settled into darkness.  We talked the entire time, about our dreams, our families, boys, and school.  Girl talk.  The first time I really had done it.

On Saturday, I sat where Beth and I did, by myself, this time, and watched the sun go down.  The rest of the high school kids were upstairs, waiting for the awards ceremony to start, and too busy to enjoy the sunset.  The rest of the judges probably didn't even know this spot existed.  That was fine.  It was perfect by myself--the sun right in front of me, and Diamond Head only a turn of a head away.  At the beginning, I thought about calling someone: Eric, Stacy, Diana... just someone to share it with.  Beth would have been the best person, but I don't have her phone number... and even then, I don't know if she would understand me now.  I'm just stuck in the past.  I like reliving it.  The good parts anyway.  It was fine.  I watched the sun go down behind the city I grew up in.  I know that cantinalaughter thinks this is a filthy city, but I love it.  The lights, the traffic, everything that I could see from my spot at Kamehameha was just so beautiful at that moment.  I could see the cruise ships that had docked for the weekend.  The nearby parks, and even my ghetto neighborhood.

One thing I've yet to find from my post there is my house.  I live near Kamehameha, but I've never been able to spot my house.

When I was a junior in high school, I liked my friend Luke.  He also liked watching the sunset with us.  That year, he let me and Beth have the best spot, while he meandered nearby on a different walkway.  On Saturday, I also wanted to call him, but I don't think the Luke of today would have understood me the way the Luke of five years ago would have.

I miss that Luke so much it hurts.

I know that Kamehameha belongs to its students and a McKinley alumna has no place there.  But every Thanksgiving that one spot belongs to me. 

School:  Sucks A LOT LESS now, but still, I'm fucking behind on ALL of Jun's assignments.  I think the only thing I've got going for me in that class is that I A-plused the midterm.  As well I should for all the BLOOD and TEARS I was excreting (literally) over the thing. 

NaNo:  dfkjs;dfjksdgghsierjefksdfjasdf.  At least I have a story.

Boyfriend:  Yay tomorrow.

Orchestra:  I have earned an exemption from being yelled at for sounding shitty.  Whoo!

Family.  OH THE DRAMA.  Okay, not really, but still.

Graduate school:  I FEEL THE PANIC.  I always feel like I'm not going to make it.  I'M SO SCARED.  AND SCREWED.

Today, for the first time, I've truly lost faith in some of the professors at UH Manoa and the history department.  It makes you realize just how much power some of these people have in terms of screwing you over big time.

Go Kelli!  You're still the best history student UH Manoa has ever had.

While we're on the subject of my journal, I thought I'd explain it's name.  Stacy would probably find this the most interesting.

an·ti·no·mi·an  (ān'tĭ-nō'mē-ən)
n.   An adherent of antinomianism.
adj.  

1. Of or relating to the doctrine of antinomianism.
2. Opposed to or denying the fixed meaning or universal applicability of moral law: "By raising segregation and racial persecution to the ethical level of law, it puts into practice the antinomian rules of Orwell's world. Evil becomes good, inhumanity is interpreted as charity, egoism as compassion" (Elie Wiesel).

[From Medieval Latin Antinomī, antinomians, pl. of antinomus, opposed to the moral law : Greek anti-, anti- + Greek nomos, law; see nem- in Indo-European roots.]

an·ti·no·mi·an·ism       (ān'tĭ-nō'mē-ə-nĭz'əm)  Pronunciation Key 
n.  

1. Theology The doctrine or belief that the Gospel frees Christians from required obedience to any law, whether scriptural, civil, or moral, and that salvation is attained solely through faith and the gift of divine grace.
2. The belief that moral laws are relative in meaning and application as opposed to fixed or universal.

Antinomia then becomes a place where I can reside outside of the word of the law.  Unlike my other blogs, it gives me the freedom to explore my creative writing side of myself, and to write for myself instead of informing others about my life.  It's not a log of my daily do's, it's a place where I can stretch and mold and tear at.  It's outside the boundaries of life, and into that of fiction.
cantinalaughter already knows I'm a blasphemous little skank, but honestly, I think it jibes with my personal philosophy despite the religious background.  It was a word used to describe Anne Hutchinson and her followers prior to her expulsion from Boston.  It's also supposed to act as a reminder to get my ass going on my paper for Rath so I can turn it in before he murders me for being so irresponsible.

More importantly, my religious views follows that of an antinomian-- there is a relationship between God and me, and nobody else should be nosing in on it or imposing whatever beliefs onto me in order to get me in line.  I'm an idiot when it comes to religion--except my own.

:P I also like the word "libertine" for the same reason.
Okay, that's enough junk.  Rollin'!